I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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