My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
