just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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