I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
