i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize