Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
