We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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