You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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