Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
