Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
