If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
