I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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