Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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