It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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