We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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