you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
