dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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