i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
