Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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