Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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