Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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