people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
