i'm signing you up for texting rehab
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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