Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
