you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
