So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
