cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
