i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
