Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
