you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
