I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
