oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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