she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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