I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
