My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
How's work?
Spinning.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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