I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
