Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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