I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize