im drinking this country out of the recession.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
