I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
