I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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