I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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