Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize