did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize