The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
