The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Randomize
