great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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