my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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