I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
