I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize