when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
