I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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