I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
