Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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