Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
