i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
