I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
