Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
