I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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