I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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