I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
