i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
